Headfuck

Im standing

almost rigid

standing

my fingers are numb and almost purple

but wont let go

the arrow pointing to your chest

is struggling to stop scratching your skin

but wont let go

 

im still looking nothing but your eyes

covered with what i confuse with rage and pain

your arms are shacking but wont let go

the trigger in my head that would set me off

if your kill me

I'll let go

found paintings

But this? i don't know what to do with this just yet.. 

you made it in the first year of art university

you were 19, I was 16... 

I remember when you gave it to me... 

and you said

 oh it's up side down..

I was so excited i forgot what was the right way around... 

I had sweaty hands

and yours smelled to dark tobacco 

found letters

today I found a bunch of old letters I wrote for you....

they were so old my hand writing is completely different now..

yellow pages...

I thrown them away.

making space

I have collected so much.. so much

i dont know how many different people i could be... 

and so this year, is about trying to make one single person of that siamese I have been, to make some space..

chopping.. chopping ...

chopping limbs

im loosing bits of myself...

it is painful

 

small bed

last night I dreamt my room had a cloud of flies .. 

the light was misty and had sharp edges

my bed is too small for my alarm clock and 

so i kept pressing the snooze button 

and the dream kept looping

the window, the cloud

the moist of the light  

I cant breath

and Im scared of the nightmares 

coming back.. 

this is the smallest bed i slept in years

i think tomorrow, i'll sleep in the sofa-bed 

moon

likes green things

I

wish
i could
i wont
i cant
i should
i wont
i hope
i will